Dearest Someone...

Dearest Someone,

You a my oldest friend. You are the greatest friend I have ever had and even though I am very lucky and happy with the close friends that surround me in Brighton...they aren't you. In our 15+ years of friendship you have shown me so much kindness and passion, you have supported me in every decision I have made (whether good or bad) and you always know exactly what to say. You are an incredible human...when I think of strong and powerful influences in my life you fly straight to the top.

Not living in the same town can mean that people grow apart, that relationships peter out and friendships fade...sure we don't talk to each other every day but I feel like you know me better than anyone and whenever we chat or meet up it feels like I only saw you yesterday. A lot has happened and a lot has changed over the years...love interests, houses, friends, family, work...but our connection and my trust in you as an incredible human in my life has not changed.

It pains me to think that you feel weak or silly, but I know that the battle inside my mind often reads the same way ... It sucks that sometimes we can't see the great things we have achieved in our lives or forget about all of the amazing things we have done and instead we concentrate on how painful human interaction would feel right now. I know that my words sound a lot better rehearsed, I am more together when I have control and can prepare for a situation...I suck at speaking to people face to face when I don't feel 100% and even seeing friends and family members that I love can feel like a huge burden on days when I can only be around myself.

I think I am done using the word normal...normal is only what we make it right? It is the usual state of something, the typical way in which something happens, it is the expected...well I don't have a usual state, there isn't a typical way for me to feel and I can never expect to feel a certain way before I have reached that day. We all have little routines whether we acknowledge them or not, from the the way we sleep at night, when we brush our teeth, our hobbies, our favourite food to eat when we are upset, but that doesn't determine whether we are 'normal' or not in someone else standards. Some days I will wake up and I will care too much about what other people think and expect of me and it is too exhausting so I get back into bed and other days I wake up knowing that I am being the best version of me that there is and nothing is going to stop me from being productive and having a great day.

I have no 'allotted time' for you; I loved you when we were eating pick 'n' mix and fell asleep watching Will&Grace as 12 year olds and I love you now when we meet up for Christmas dinner. I have not 'had my turn of looking after you' and I am not 'fed up' with you, you are one of the most important people in my life and I am always going to be here to support you, to listen to you, to sit next to you in silence, to cook for you, to listen when you really need to vent and to eat pick 'n' mix with you. You never bring me down, you never feel like a burden and I have never once thought you were pathetic.

I love you and you really should too.